I'm sorry... - For What?

I’m Sorry!  I hear the phrase so much that I daydream about it sometimes.  Who first invented the phrase “I’m sorry,” and what on earth had they done?  It’s fun to think about huh?  Really, I guess I should be glad that my kids say the words, “I’m sorry,” but with the repetition of it that we see at our house, it tends to sound rather hollow and meaningless.

So the rule at our house is that if you do something wrong to someone else you sit in time out and then when you get out you go straight to the person to apologize.  Then I sit back and feel very proud of my mothering skills for 2-5 minutes until the child is back in time out for doing the same thing again.

That’s not how it’s supposed to work!  I just had them sit in time out and then apologize to the injured party.  How could they have forgotten so quickly?  Am I not punishing severely enough?  My husband and I don’t believe in spanking.  What else can we do?  Is it healthy to put your child in time out five out of every ten minutes, and is it going to do any good over time?  At some point one of us asked the question, “Do you know why you’re in time out?”  The child’s answer, “No.”  WHAT?  You just knocked down the baby for the 4th time.  You really don’t know why you’re in time out?  After some conversation, and a lot of frustration, we realized that she really didn’t remember why we had put her in time out a large percentage of the time.  So, No.  All of that time in time out wasn’t doing us any good because she either didn’t know or couldn’t remember why she was in time out.

We developed 3 strategies that changed Time-out and the Apology after for us.

1. Lets Talk About It – We took the time to talk to the child about why they were in time out.  The best time to talk is generally near the end of time out.  You are more calm, they are more calm, and they are bored and ready to listen.  We made sure they remembered what they had done and that they knew why it was a problem.  We also pointed out to them why it was in their best interest not to do it again.  For example,”You love the baby and you want her to like you, but she will not want to play with you if you knock her down.”
2. For What? – When the child went to apologize we made them apologize for something.  For example, “I’m sorry...  for knocking you down.”  There is a difference in “I’m sorry” and “I’m sorry for knocking you down.”  It didn’t really make a difference to the injured party, but making the offender say the offensive action gave them ownership of it.  They did it, they knew it and they knew what not to do again.  It was particularly hard for one of my children to do this.  She has her pride, and she didn’t want to say sorry to begin with.  When we could finally get her to say, ” I’m sorry,” she was done with the apology.  Before I would let her go back to play I would prompt her, “For What?”  For a while she would say I don’t know, and we would say the words and have her repeat after us.  Now she does it on her own most of the time, and if she forgets, a quick, “For what,” is all the prompting she needs.
3. It’s all about the Love – I love my kids, they love me and they love each other, but that probably isn’t what they are thinking about during and right after discipline.  But your best chance at getting them to not repeat the offense is to remind them of it.  I’m not talking about saying, ” You know I love you.”  I’m talking about showing them the love.  After our new and improved apology and sometimes during, I tell my girls to look into each others eyes.  I do it in a bit of a silly voice and they start giggling and trying to turn away.  Other times I encourage them to give each other a Crocodile hug which is when they hug so hard that they both tumble gently down.  Whatever your method, I believe humor is a fun way to move on and remember the love instead of the frustration.

Last Sunday morning the girls got in a dispute that ended with the younger sister hurting the older one.  The younger one sat in time out, and when it was time for her to  apologize the older sister was gone.  I called for her to come, and I heard a muffled, “I don’t want to,” from the closet.  She told me she was hiding because she didn’t want to be hurt again, and she didn’t want to come out.  I asked her to come out so that the younger sister could apologize to her “beautiful eyes.” In response she stuck her little toes under the door and said, “She can apologize to my beautiful toes.”  I couldn’t stop laughing and neither could either of the girls as I had the younger sister apologize to her sister’s “beautiful” big toe.  I then had her give the toe a hug with her two fingers.  The door opened, the girls went back to play and had several hours of fun.

It’s not fool proof.  We still have time outs, but there aren’t as many.  That’s improvement and I’ll take it.

Point System for Wii Time - Harry Potter "House Points"

We gave our kids a Wii for Christmas several years ago, and until recently it really hadn't been that much of a problem.  They would play a little bit here and there, maybe more so if they just got a new game.  Then, this past year my 8-year-old discovered Harry Potter.  We allowed her to read the first three books, and she just can't stop talking about it.  She's read each of the books several times and has become a walking encyclopedia of Harry Potter facts.  She even has our three-year-old running around the house yelling "Expelliarmus" while waiving her fake wand.
So being the fabulous parents that we are, we bought her the Harry Potter Wii game for Christmas.  Bad Idea!!  The obsession has now escalated, if that is possible, and she would play that game every day all of the time if we allowed it.
Our first move was to only allow Wii time on weekends after the chores were done.  You have no idea how fast an 8-year-old can clean a bathroom, (code for "it wasn't really cleaned.")  By 9am on Saturday she was ready for her Wii time which would then last all day because, "Mom, it's the weekend."  Clearly this wasn't working.
On to plan two.  My sister-in-law told me about their Wii rules where the children had to earn their Wii time, and she and my brother would keep track of their time which they could use after chores and homework were done.  I loved it, so I came home and made our own Wii time chart.  Now of course, being the Harry Potter obsessed household that we are, our Wii chart consists of the Hogwart's houses, and the children have each been assigned a house.  Then, as they are doing their chores, helping each other or doing something extra special I can call out, "Five points to Gryffindor," and the child assigned to that house gets to add 5 minutes to their Wii time for that week.  They can also lose time as a disciplinary action.

 
It was a huge hit.  So much so that they didn't even seem to notice that we were severely cutting down their actual Wii time from all day Saturday to whatever was on their chart.  We typically start them out with 1 free hour of time each week, and they add to that as they earn "house points."  We have added that if they turn in a completed Piano Practice Chart for the week, finish all of their homework or we if don't have to remind them to feed the dog then they can get points for that as well.  Our Wii time is now at an acceptable level, and the children have a sense of control over it.  It was a win win.  Thank you Harry Potter!