I’m Sorry! I hear the phrase
so much that I daydream about it sometimes. Who first invented the phrase
“I’m sorry,” and what on earth had they done? It’s fun to think about
huh? Really, I guess I should be glad that my kids say the words, “I’m
sorry,” but with the repetition of it that we see at our house, it tends to
sound rather hollow and meaningless.
So the rule at our house is that if
you do something wrong to someone else you sit in time out and then when you
get out you go straight to the person to apologize. Then I sit back and
feel very proud of my mothering skills for 2-5 minutes until the child is back
in time out for doing the same thing again.
That’s not how it’s supposed to
work! I just had them sit in time out and then apologize to the injured
party. How could they have forgotten so quickly? Am I not punishing
severely enough? My husband and I don’t believe in spanking. What
else can we do? Is it healthy to put your child in time out five out of
every ten minutes, and is it going to do any good over time? At some
point one of us asked the question, “Do you know why you’re in time out?”
The child’s answer, “No.” WHAT? You just knocked down the baby for
the 4th time. You really don’t know why you’re in time out? After
some conversation, and a lot of frustration, we realized that she really didn’t
remember why we had put her in time out a large percentage of the time. So,
No. All of that time in time out wasn’t doing us any good because she
either didn’t know or couldn’t remember why she was in time out.
We developed 3 strategies that
changed Time-out and the Apology after for us.
- Lets Talk About It – We took the time to talk to the child
about why they were in time out. The best time to talk is generally
near the end of time out. You are more calm, they are more calm, and
they are bored and ready to listen. We made sure they remembered
what they had done and that they knew why it was a problem. We also
pointed out to them why it was in their best interest not to do it
again. For example,”You love the baby and you want her to like you,
but she will not want to play with you if you knock her down.”
- For What? – When the child went to apologize we made
them apologize for something. For example, “I’m sorry... for knocking
you down.” There is a difference in “I’m sorry” and “I’m sorry for
knocking you down.” It didn’t really make a difference to the
injured party, but making the offender say the offensive action gave them
ownership of it. They did it, they knew it and they knew what not to
do again. It was particularly hard for one of my children to do
this. She has her pride, and she didn’t want to say sorry to begin with.
When we could finally get her to say, ” I’m sorry,” she was done with the
apology. Before I would let her go back to play I would prompt her,
“For What?” For a while she would say I don’t know, and we would say
the words and have her repeat after us. Now she does it on her own
most of the time, and if she forgets, a quick, “For what,” is all the
prompting she needs.
- It’s all about the Love – I love my kids, they love me
and they love each other, but that probably isn’t what they are thinking
about during and right after discipline. But your best chance at
getting them to not repeat the offense is to remind them of it. I’m
not talking about saying, ” You know I love you.” I’m talking about
showing them the love. After our new and improved apology and
sometimes during, I tell my girls to look into each others eyes. I
do it in a bit of a silly voice and they start giggling and trying to turn
away. Other times I encourage them to give each other a Crocodile
hug which is when they hug so hard that they both tumble gently
down. Whatever your method, I believe humor is a fun way to move on
and remember the love instead of the frustration.
Last Sunday morning the girls got in
a dispute that ended with the younger sister hurting the older one. The
younger one sat in time out, and when it was time for her to apologize
the older sister was gone. I called for her to come, and I heard a
muffled, “I don’t want to,” from the closet. She told me she was hiding
because she didn’t want to be hurt again, and she didn’t want to come
out. I asked her to come out so that the younger sister could apologize
to her “beautiful eyes.” In response she stuck her little toes under the door
and said, “She can apologize to my beautiful toes.” I couldn’t stop
laughing and neither could either of the girls as I had the younger sister
apologize to her sister’s “beautiful” big toe. I then had her give the
toe a hug with her two fingers. The door opened, the girls went back to
play and had several hours of fun.
It’s not fool proof. We still have
time outs, but there aren’t as many. That’s improvement and I’ll take it.
Labels: discipline, parenting
